i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
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friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Apparently, 47 empty bottles of shampoo are fine but I leave one beer can in the shower and suddenly I “have a problem.”
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
For anyone who says parents can’t have Friday night fun, I’m at Target right now buying toilet paper.
So, yeah, you’re right.
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
For anyone struggling to make ends meet at the moment, please please please check to see if you have a Porsche you can sell.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes