Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
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I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
At Costco I just bought my cemetery plot, my casket, and the 80 lb bag of beef jerky that will eventually kill me. One stop shopping.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
What’s the matter, babe?
You haven’t touched any of your Shrekfast.
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I posted happy birthday bunny to my husband on Instagram. I’ve never actually called him bunny, but I didn’t have my glasses on and it was early in the morning and I meant to say baby and anyway, he’s bunny now. Forever.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
HUSBAND: Why are you late?
ME: I was at church.
HUSBAND: I find that hard to believe. Did they have a breakfast buffet or something?
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys