*65 million years ago*
T-Rex dad: If you don’t finish your food, an asteroid will come and blow us up!
T-Rex child: You ALWAYS say that shit!
Dad: DON’T USE THAT LANGUAGE! Or else an ast-
*Asteroid streaks across the sky*
Both: Shit.
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Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Me: pass me that cup
Kid: *gives me cup*
Me: I didn’t say simon says haha
[Later]
Me: PASS… MY… INHALER
Kid: not falling for that again
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
reverse psychology? that’ll never work
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Originally it was thought that it was our ability to love that made us human. However, it is now believed that it is our ability to pick out photos with traffic lights in them.
When my girlfriend is upset, I let her colour in my black and white tattoos,
because sometimes she just needs a shoulder to crayon.#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.