Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
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Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
[finding a secret passage in my NYC-apartment that leads to a corpse-filled torture dungeon]
HOLY SHIT LOOK AT ALL THIS EXTRA SPACE I HAVE!
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
if I were Juliet, I would NOT be pleased to find a man standing under my balcony at midnight. sir I am in my jim-jams
Me: Get the tires rotated?? Don’t they rotate enough while the car is moving?
Mechanic: Omg you’re right! What a scam. I truly apologize.
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes