Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
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I was up all night reading about insomnia
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Cannot stop laughing at this
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
I bought this 3 years ago without realizing what was on it and wore it to my daughter’s school play 😂😂
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Okay, I’m still confused…
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
[2 Humans who definitely aren’t lizard people at Denny’s]
1: I sure am glad they don’t have newt brain on the menu
2: Right on, fellow human
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
[person having normal conversation with me]
Brain: that reminds me of a song, you should sing as a response
[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.