On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
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“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
The overwhelming majority of haunted stuff happens in hallways and stairways, which is why a studio apartment is the best choice ghost-wise.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Well, this certainly took a turn
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
“I dunno, maybe you go steal an old lady’s purse, you can hold up a liquor store, & you…just sit there looking mean.”
-Unorganized Crime
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!