[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
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*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
I hope in my next life I come back as a dog so my pills will be wrapped in cheese
I wished I loved anything as much as white people love saying “gracias” at Mexican restaurants.
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’m so tired, I’m thinking of visiting my grandma just so I can take a swig outta her oxygen tank.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
If not for the cowardly actions of John Wilkes Booth, Abraham Lincoln would have turned 207 today.
Daughter: *calling up the steps
Dad you almost ready?…We’re going to be late for my college orientation.
Me: *appears wearing just a toga
All set.
If your name is Ella and you haven’t opened a seafood restaurant called Salmonella’s, what are you doing with your life?
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
The expression should be “seeing things eyes to eyes”. Otherwise you’re suggesting a meeting of the minds between Cyclops
When speaking to children I always end every sentence with “…or else you’ll die. ” – I find this to be an excellent motivational tool.
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
It’s ok computer, I go to sleep after 20 minutes of inactivity too.
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.