My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
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Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
Marriage license: Contractual agreement to laugh at your spouse’s same three bad jokes for life.
If empaths don’t exist then explain how we know so much. For instance I can tell right now that you’re frustrated with me and you think I’m stupid
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Received some very disappointing news today
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
Her: You had a whole bottle of wine and a full bag of jalapeño popper cheese curls??
Me: It’s self-care, so that makes it healthy.
Laziness is nothing more than the habit of resting before you get tired.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.