Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I’d enjoy therapy a lot more if it included cocktails and a light snack.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I’ve realized there’s more to life than social media so I guess this is goodbye for the next 12 minutes.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
#oldknees
Wanna come over? I have pizza and toilet paper
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?