What kind of losers are sitting home and tweeting on a Friday night?!?!
Oh, wait…never mind.
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My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
One thing I’ve learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
Yeah but neither are the yachts soooooo 🤷♀️
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
[rhyme factory]
BOSS: get cracking on those words that rhyme with “ow”
WORKER: yes sir
bow
cow
dow
how
*boss looks away*
low
mow
*boss looks back*
now
pow
*boss looks away again*
row
sow
tow
*boss looks back*
vow
wow
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
“Sir how should we sell scissors?”
SADISTIC CEO: Put them in tough plastic that..get this*cries with laughter* u have to open with scissors
In hindsight I spent far too much time and money on gifts considering that my 6yo spent all of Christmas night playing with an electric toothbrush
Thought it might be fun to go on American Ninja Warrior. Then I tripped over a rubber dog bone in my living room and put that dream to bed.
Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows