Doormats are a gateway rug.
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO