Them: Have you tried dieting?
Me: Have you ever tried pizza?
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If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Time heals everything 🙂
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
– Boss, we’re out of hands. Should we give the penguins wings?
– We’re short on wings too. Give them this.
– But that’s neither wings nor hands.
– Not our problem.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
President The Rock Obama
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Horrifying if literal: shit storm
HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
If your girl can fold a fitted sheet, she probably has a good recipe for a spell using newts
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
The boss accused me of taking a drink during lunch, but he is completely mistaken, I paid for all three of them.