become ungovernable
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I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Wife: I remember your proposal
Me: Oh yeah?
Wife: It was so romantic
Me: It was?
Wife: You put in so much effort
Me:
Wife: That was Steve?
Me: That was Steve
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
This text is literally my relationship with my mother:
jerry would invest in crypto but gain nothing
george would invest and lose everything
kramer would become a billionaire
elaine would call them all stupid until she starts dating a crypto guy
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me, 20’s & 30’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You had a good time, then!
Me, 40’s: I can’t remember anything about last night.
Friends: You need to see a neurologist.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
THIS HEADLINE
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
age 14: guys, watch this i’m gonna jump off this wall [eats absolute shit and gets up like its nothing]
age 25: [googling ‘is the way i’m wearing my guitar strap hurting my back’]
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[twirls in a dress made of knives]
Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.
What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.