Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
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I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.
Her son is 6 ….
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
I’m spirituality evolved, but I also want to slap people.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
just having fun
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
I’m bisexual, but I don’t currently have a boyfriend or a girlfriend.
You could say I’m on stand-bi.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Whenever someone is doing math in their head, I just squint and give a good thinking face, then agree with whatever answer they got.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Visitor: When will you tell us where you keep the unicorns? 🦄
Us: As soon as visitors stop feeding squirrels and taking dangerous selfies with bison, we’ll let you know where the horses with giant spikes on their heads roam.
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.