I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
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Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
There’s aggressive driving and then there’s a parent who is late for a school drop off driving.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
Is Yoda’s last name Lay-he-hoo?
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
I lock the closet that holds my skeletons very tightly. Learned that lesson the hard way after the dog ran off with the wife’s femur.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
[buying treadmill]
Me: Can I try it out first?
Salesperson: Sure
Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it) I like it.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?