“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
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Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
The chick next to me brought everything she owned on the plane. She’s currently pitching her tent & unpacking.
Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
Me: Trust me, I’ve got everything under control.
Narrator: lmao you know what I’m ’bout to say..
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Maybe Van Gogh cut his ear off because someone traveled back in time and whispered a Drake song in it.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.