Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
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The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
I saw you checking me out.
Cashier: Literally my job, sir.
*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*
*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*
Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”
I have the ambition and optimism of Wile E Coyote and also the success of Wile E Coyote.
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Jury duty
[Burps] Wow, excuse me.
Judge: You’re excu-STOP THAT!
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”