wife: STOP, you’re turning into your father
me: well, he shouldn’t be standing in the driveway like that
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Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
went to Confession and also confessed the sins of the guy next in line, hope he pays it forward
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I think I can speak for everyone when I say that I am a ventriloquist.
Date: Do you practice safe sex?
Me: I use the pull out method
Date: That doesn’t work!
Me *pulls out accordion*
Date: I don’t want to have sex with you
Me: It always works
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Stupid dryer didn’t work just because I “didn’t turn it on”
When our son was born, my husband said he wanted to name him after a Star Wars character. I like the name Luke, so I agreed to let him choose.
I can’t believe Admiral Ackbar starts school this year.
Someone saw me today. It was exciting and very scary. I am a bear.