Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
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As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
I told my aunt I love cooking with my Instapot, and judging by these edible recipes she just sent me she may have misunderstood.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Sit-ups are no fun, sharpie abs are definitely the way to go if you want permanent results.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
When a ladybug is orange. Must be laundry day.
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”