[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
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[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
You think you’re in pretty good shape and then you shovel two feet of snow and wake up the next day feeling like you threw yourself off of a skyscraper.
Took my son to see Spider-Man this weekend and he cried because I wouldn’t let him wear his costume because it was too cold. Plus, it was my turn.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Customer: “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”
Me: “Sorry, we only take cash or credit card.”
Manager:“I need to see you in my office.
You can’t offend me I have teenagers.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
No, no, I didn’t need to talk to a customer service representative, thanks. I just wanted to hear some terrible music.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
[prison riot]
me: here comes the tickle monster!!
[gets stabbed 100 times]
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Only Americans understand
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
wife: What would you do if one of the boys told you he was gay?
me [trying to find the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.