guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
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i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Someone needs to invent an alarm clock that, if you hit snooze more than three times, will call in sick for you.
Stop hoisting all your food into the trees. Now the bears have to settle for the second most delicious thing at your campsite.
So tell me, which of my chins is your favorite?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
wife: you’re listening to too much theatrical heavy metal
Me: behold! The weaver of lies! A dark seamstress of shadows lurks amongst us
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
What if I just start doing things that make me happy? Nahhhh can’t dispose of that many dead bodies.
I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
The kids won’t stop running around so I stuck swiffer wet jet sheets to their socks so at least the floor is getting clean while I sip my tea.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Seeing a lot of Facebook posts about kids going to school but not seeing any follow ups about them coming home, what in the damn hell is going on
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.