The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
You Might Also Like
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
As my mom finishes up cutting up my steak for me, I can’t help but notice that my date looks upset.
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.