Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
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I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
Found the job I’m suited for
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
My first words were, “spank me daddy” because my parents accidentally set up the baby monitors backwards.
Me: [Has only ever touched a gun once in my life]
Me every time I’m at the airport: oh no what if I accidentally packed a gun
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
ON PHONE WITH MY MOM
HER: You still single and living with your stray cat family?
ME: *proudly* No I am not!
*high fives my pet penguin
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I learned a few things in Twitter Jail last night.
1. My wife’s name
2. How to make a shank from a phone charger
3. I need Twitter
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.