Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
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I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
[meeting]
BOSS: We need a name that gives us a good ad slogan
ME: Perhapselline?
MY NEMESIS GARY: Maybelline?
B: You’re incredible, Gary
How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in a frying pan?
Take away its tiny brooms 🧹
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
me [as a robber]: What? You wanna case the joint AGAIN??
[robbing Whole Foods]
“All the cash in a bag NOW!”
100% organic reusable bag ok?
“Yes!”
[puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
“As the crow flies” means something entirely different when it’s “in your living room” and you are “hiding in the closet with your cat.”
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My 5 yo aimlessly wandering around the living room looking for the remote muttering “why is this commercial so long?” is the embodiment of what society has become.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.