[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is ‘contempt’
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: [mocking voice] can you use it in a sentence?
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older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
When I was in first grade, my teacher asked me what my mom did for a living. I said “She sells drugs.” I meant she worked in pharmaceutical sales.
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
Neighbor: What do you do?
Me: I work from home. I’m a writer and editor.
Neighbor: Ah, well… No shame in that.Nope, not until now, dude.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
You know you’re getting old when your friends start having kids on purpose.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
Anything guitarists say while leaning back to back during a solo is protected by law like confession or attorney client privilege.
Wife: Whatchya thinking about?
Me: *Thinking about how dogs understand more English words than I understand dog words* Science stuff.
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
[grocery store]
dad to his crying baby: shhh stop crying
[baby keeps crying]
me: wow, your baby does not listen
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????