my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
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ME: Thanks for seeing me. Whenever I asked my father for help with these issues he’d just ask me if I tried sucking less.
THERAPIST: That’s horrible.
ME: Yeah.
THERAPIST:
ME:
THERAPIST: Have— *clears throat* have you tried that though?
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[Dracula bites a pig]
Me: ohhhhh, hampire
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
The guy next door just put up his Christmas lights… I bet he’s pissed because I beat him, I put mine up 5 years ago..
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
INTERVIEWER: Says here you do magic tricks?
ME: *hands him back his business card* Is this your card?
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
HER: I’m a member of my local Rotary Club.
ME: [trying to impress her] Yeah I hate touch tone phones.
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
I wonder what ppl in the year 78 BC thought C stood for.
[Spelling bee]
JUDGE: Spell “Insubordinate”ME: *Lips on mic* No.
JUDGE: I don’t… where do we go from here?
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”