Magician: “Think of a number.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “Are you thinking of a number?”
Me: “Yes.”
*the crowd goes wild with applause*
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I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
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With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
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You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
Bruce Wayne: hey, how would you like to take a ride in my batmobi—I mean…brucemobile?
Date: uhh
Bruce: my regular normal carmobile
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
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Me: Out. I can’t stand being hemmed in by four walls.
Wife: How many walls has the pub got? Five?
What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
My son has been awake for 15 minutes which means he’s been telling me all about his favorite video game for 15 minutes.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
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