Mama said there’d be days like this, and also “knock you out” ??? I don’t know, you talk to her. She sounds drunk.
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The most unrealistic thing about Warrior Cats isn’t the talking cats it’s their names. I’ve been around feral cats; they wouldn’t call themselves Stormheart or whatev. More like: “I am called Lord Orange. Here are my finest warriors: Orange, Orange & Also Orange.”
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
My husband thinks I’ve been on my phone checking the weather for the last 3500 hours
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
water it, i dare you
Boss: You want another raise? We just gave you one nine years ago, what did you do with that money?
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
The people at this winery are acting like they’ve never seen someone pull a rotisserie chicken out of a purse before.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
I wanna rock and roll for 20 minutes tops and party for as long as it takes to seem normal before leaving without saying goodbye to anyone
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
The main argument you always hear from football pundits is that Premier League matches should be decided by which team correctly answers the most questions about World War 1. Not me, though. I think it’s a bad idea and we should continue to use football as the deciding factor 👎.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic