How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
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Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
*reading the nutrition facts of a cookie*
me: so I’ll need to eat at least 83 of these to get 100% of my daily protein
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
🤣😈🤣
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
my accountant: look at ur currently monthly budget:
· RENT: $800
· GAS: $200
· CHEEZ-ITS: $2,750me: ur right, i need a cheaper place.
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
[Leaving bar]
GF: You okay to drive?
Me: I’m fine.
GF: You FEEL okay, but what would you blow?
M: 2 guys, tops.
GF:
M:
GF:
M: What?
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
“Wow, that milk is spoiled!”
*milk drives by in a fancy car his parents bought him*
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.