[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
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Every haunted house movie:
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
TEACHER: Have you got anything for today’s palindrome class?
STUDENT: dammit I’m mad
TEACHER: OK, OK, I’ll ask someone else
The Breakfast Club: (1985) (1hr 37 mins) Not a single breakfast is had. Barely a club. Misleading. 1/10
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
therapist: so, how are you feeling?
me: i’m feeling ok
therapist: great! let’s ruin that feeling by unearthing some childhood trauma
When the chips are down, be a good friend & say a few kind words to the chips. See if that helps.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
Pick-up line: Hi, I have never been a Hollywood producer or USA Gynastics team doctor.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
Dear people that brush your teeth in the bathroom at work: stop that. You don’t live here. Chew gum like the rest of us.
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
9: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn’t even know the bride until after they’re married.
Me: That’s every culture son.
Cauliflower pretzels? Do you know what either of those words mean?
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
WARNING: DO NOT TRY AND EAT WARREN BUFFET. HE IS NOT AN ACTUAL BUFFET AND IS NOT MADE OF FOOD
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals