juries are sort of a bad idea idk… have you met 12 people ??
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Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
That mini-heartattack you get when you sport a typo in your tweet.
For those that worship cheese..
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Group of 12 year old girls: We’re scared of boys. Me: OMG, me tooooooo!
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Her: I’d really love some flowers.
Him: Orchids?
Her: No, just flowers.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.