Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
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Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
“My middle name is War-and-Peace.”
“What?”
“It’s a long story.”
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
When can I start eating bats again.
baby cows are called calves bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no more questions
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Me on a dinner date: be cool, be cool, be cool…..
*dips cookie in barbecue sauce
“So sorry” – Actually sorry
“Sorry about that” – Not really sorry
“Sorry you feel that way” – Not sorry at all
“Sorry, but…” – Apologise to me
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Pilgrim 1: God blessed us with a new world, but now what do we do for our starving families?
Pilgrim 2: Let’s put belt buckles on our hats.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
Havent picked sides in Gamer gate yet.. which do I like more.. the entire female gender or the thing where I pretend to kill people on Tv..