Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
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[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
one of my fav things about friendships is that when they start, you send memes by saying “i thought you’d like this one” and they respond by saying “i really do, thank you!” and eventually that grows into you just being like “yooOOOAKSLDJS” and them just being like “HOLyyOmfnfnf”
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
I’m quitting drinking for a year.
*I’m quitting. Drinking for a year.
Sorry, punctuation is everything.
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Evolution sometimes moves forward due to tiny differences making one species less competitive
For instance T-rex died out bc, lacking selfie sticks, their instagram feeds were less effective
tensing up so the masseuse doesn’t win
Every Olympic event should include one average person competing, for reference.
when my four year old asked “mommy does a snowman have 3 balls?” I realized my biggest problem is im just not, nor will i ever be, mature enough to have kids
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I don’t like to say something is “strong enough to kill a horse” because I have horses and I’ve had to call a vet twice because a horse “swallowed hay wrong.”
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
Why do they make it so hard to dig the candy out of trail mix?
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you