Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
You Might Also Like
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.
Five parrots separated at British zoo after they wouldn’t stop swearing at guests
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
I named all my Nest cameras “the bedroom”… now every time someone walks anywhere in my house my husband gets the notification “Nest noticed action in the bedroom “
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams