How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
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The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.
Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.
Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of
Had to explain to my hot guy friend that people are nice to him all the time because he’s hot. Dude thought it was because he was a Pisces
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
When I go to the store my wife writes me a very detailed and specific list of the things I should get pfft, like I don’t know what cookies and ice cream I like.
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
I told my 14yo there’s a muppet who is dealing with drug addiction and he said “they all are. Look at their eyes”
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
There are two types of people in this world. Those who make fun of Wordle. And those who can solve a Wordle.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy