If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
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[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
This green smoothie tastes like God wants me to be fat.
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me:
One of my moles: I shall grow a hair for you, master
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates