Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.
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A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Sometimes the last thing people hear before they’re murdered is the sound of their pen that they won’t stop clicking.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
Skipping is exercise…that’s why I’m always skipping the gym.
[Review]
Boss: We’ll be giving you the company car *yawns*
Me: A car!
B: Sorry, I meant company card *sneezes*
M: Well, a card’s still cool.
B: Sorry again, It’s the company cardigan.
M: Ok, I’m a medium.
B: Then you should have known it was a sweater the whole time.
Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
Pretending to fall asleep on the train so the conductor picks me up and carries me to bed
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Getting older means talking to less people and complaining about more people.
Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
Edison stole the idea for the lightbulb from the lightbulb that appeared above his head when he got the idea for the phonograph
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.