{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
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*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
*forgets why I walked into a room*
*remembers lyrics to a song I heard once 20 years ago*
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
“WHAT DO WE WANT?!”
“SELF-CONFIDENCE!”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?!”
*everyone breaks eye contact and starts mumbling*
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it
Me: I think I need a life coach who lives with me
Her: like a mom
Me: haha exactly, and—
Waiter: [whispering] sir the ring is sinking into the chili
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.