Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
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[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Love this guy
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
before camouflage clothing was invented, people would just stand still and make tree noises.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
PLEASE READ
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
18yo me (naive, unrefined): I just ate a block of cheese
42yo me (worldly, sophisticated): I just ate a wheel of cheese
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
me: I’m going to build a time machine
him: *eating the last donut* what you gonna use it for
me: *eating the last donut* righting wrongs
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.