Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
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Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Driving home with my kids & my son didn’t like the song I was listening to. He said, “Thank God we’re 10 seconds from home!” & then I took the long way home because that’s what good parents do.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
“If you are fat you will die,” said the thin ppl, who would never die.
I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested
Would you wear it?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: No
Tupac:
Me: I’m just going to live here
Tupac:
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
(Indian wedding)
White friend: OMG that’s so spicy!Me: First of all, it’s a glass of water.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
roses are black. so is my heart. me and fries. till death do us part.
I couldn’t find a bowl so Flora is drinking from a margarita glass
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.