u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
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wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Otters drive ottermobiles.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
Sometimes hanging around with kids makes me feel like a superhero.
“Uncle Denny I can’t open this beer can you help me?”
Haha sure thing kiddo
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift