The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
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Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
rapatouille
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
Me: Can you check my balance on this gift card?
Cashier: ok
Me: [ steps on card, lifts other foot without wavering ] Pretty good, right?
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
bears
had to make it
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
[on a first date in a restaurant]
him: so what did you do last weekend?
me: I binge watched one of my favourite Netflix shows.
him: binge watched? haha, I can’t ever watch more than one episode at a time
me: lmao! *turns round* CHECK, PLEASE!
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
“wfh”
what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?