sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
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Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
I got hot wax at the car wash and now the vehicle is hairless.
My kids pissed me off so much I bought some overalls to wear every day in public when they’re with me.
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
“That’ll be $147,382.” – The cab driver after taking Will Smith from Philadelphia to Bel Air.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
7YO: When did I get inside mommy’s tummy?
Me: June 9 2012 right after I made coffee and for the first time, mommy saw me put the jar back in the cabinet
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.