i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Be right back. My son who’s slitting enemy throats in “Call of Duty” is screaming for me to kill a centipede.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Me *swallows pride*
Baby lion: holy shit
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Always be yourself.
Unless you’re Monday. Monday, how about you try being like Friday for once!
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
Son: Mom
OUIJA BOARD: F F S W H A T ???
Son: Have you seen my other shoe?
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I still can’t find a place with an alligator infested moat for under $2k/month, but I’m hopeful.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”