People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
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QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
We need a streaming service that’s only ads. No shows, just commercials. They pay us $15 a month
hmm conte-me mais
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
Me too door. Me too.
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Arguing with your parents is like trying to explain how to download music from iTunes to a plant.
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Me: Ready to brush your hair?
2-year-old: No!
Me: Why not?
2: I’m a fish!
Me:
2:
Me:
2:
Me: You win this round.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
Good news: My son cleaned his room
Bad news: He found his harmonica
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies