Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
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Her: You know, alot of men are going to be miserable when I marry.
Me: Well how many men do you plan to marry?
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
My friend told me he doesn’t believe in having children so now I’m wondering if other people can see mine or if it’s just me
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Looking at you, Jesus.
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.
My neighbors have been listening to my kid’s favorite song over and over and over today. Whether they liked it or not.
It could take a lifetime to show someone how much you care, but only 2mins if you stuff them in your trunk
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
It’s better to have loved and won than to have loved and lost. I don’t know why they never mention that.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.
It’s National Canoe Day in Canada and I can’t think of a single pun. Canoe?
I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
PayPal: For when your wallet is all the way on the other side of the room.