I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
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[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Everyone talks about Greenland and Iceland having misleading names, but I think it’s bullshit that Finland isn’t an underwater country full of fish people.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
Torturer: you shock him this time
Me: more people have been on the moon than won Takeshi’s Castle
Torturer: no not— wait really
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
on week two of rinsing out an empty jar of peanut butter for recycling, almost there
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Her Parents: Tell us how u two love birds met
Me: We were in a tweet contest & was added to a DM room & then I gave her a fake trophy
HP: ..
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Normalize never cutting our kids’ food into “fun” shapes or crusts of their bread so no parent is expected to fulfill those ludicrous demands ever again
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂