[before nap]
I’ll be really productive once I get some sleep!
[after nap]
well now it’s way too late to do anything
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Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
I got invited to an acquaintance’s baby shower, I thought I bought teeth rings, I bought this woman’s baby a freaking dog toy. 🙃
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
[boss’s office]
I’m tired of staff that think they know everything! Do you know what I mean, Murray?
“No, sir”
I like your style, Murray.
Need cheering up? If you watch Jaws backwards, it’s a heartwarming story about a massive shark that gives arms and legs to disabled people.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
It’s saying something when you marry Charles Manson and you look like the crazy one.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?
-Me at work talking to guests.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
[Hiking]
Me: Want some trail mix?
Her: This is just a sandwich bag full of rocks and twig-
Me: All from this trail!
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
I haven’t had a boyfriend in so long I’m down to my last hoodie
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Step down to the next rung of our ever-lowering journalistic standards.
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
Me, scrolling to find my birth year