Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
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*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Heads up, cartwheels are my favorite thing to do hands down
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.
Sounds like a bargain
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
I exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors.
Jehovah’s fitness.
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
My kid is singing “Mac-n-cheese” to the tune of “Stand by Me.”
You guys just tried it, didn’t you?
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild