People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
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Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
Just once I’d like to open a can of biscuits without having to beat it like it stole my last cookie
It should be a rule that if you’re going to put you kid on a leash, you can’t be mad if someone walks up, asks if they bite, and pets them
It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
just found a grappling hook in my new apartment. now i have to backtrack to my childhood home so i can access the previously unreachable attic
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?
*turns off comments*
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
If you’re a couple who sit on the same side of the booth, I’mma slide into the empty seat and eat your fries. Stop creeping everyone out.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.